No! I will not check out your band! And here’s exactly why.

A long time ago, on a metal scene far, far away, it was incredibly hard to get people acquainted with your band. There was no internet, social networking or streaming services. If you wanted the world to know about you and your latest release, you could do one of two things. Preferably both. You could record a demo tape and / or print out a bunch of flyers. Then you needed to take them to your post office and send them to the relevant media. Fanzines, magazines, radio or venues in hope of coverage, support and recognition. It was time consuming, extremely tedious and downright exhausting. Not to mention expensive, as blank tapes were never cheap and they took time to multiply, and the printing houses were never too supportive towards unknown underground bands.

However, people did it all the time. Believe it or not! Even the nowadays greats, like Slayer, Metallica or Iron Maiden. They all had to go through the same process. And the process in question was so difficult that it weeded out the weak right from the start. Those who went through it all had to have unlimited belief in what they were doing. You all know these bands because it all tied down perfectly. None of them ever said anything like: “I can’t be bothered”. They are now in musical encyclopedias, the three I mentioned, and there are thousands of others, more or less known.

Bottom line is, they believed in themselves, thus they went all-in trying to spread their name wherever possible, and the recognition ensued.

But we are in 2022 now. Thankfully, the times have changed. It is easier, quicker, cheaper… Unfortunately, so is the music… Even more unfortunately, people behind it…

So, we get a message on Facebook. I will quote here. Fuck, I will copy and paste it here. “Hey check out my music!” There was a link to a Bandcamp page too. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, we did not specifically mention that we will not accept links to streaming services, but WE WILL NOT!!! Not me, not anybody else on Abaddon Magazine team! NO ONE! Not to mention that both on our website and Facebook page, there is a short text where it says: “For general inquiries, promo submissions, partnership offers and other matters, please contact: office@abaddon-magazine.com”. Nowhere does it say that you should send a message on Facebook!

By the way, did you know that Bandcamp only allows for a couple of spins of a certain material before it asks for money? You seriously think we can form an opinion, let alone finish a review, out of two or three spins? Think again! And don’t even get me started on why I will NEVER pay to listen to a website, or download an .mp3 file off of it.

But that’s beside the point. There were instances where I actually contacted a band requesting a download link instead of a streaming link, and they were kind enough to provide one. But in order for us to be so appreciative to a band, a band needs to do the following. It’s not hard, I promise.

SEND A PROPER PROMOTIONAL E-MAIL!!!

You see, unlike the “golden 1980’s”, it is extremely easy to do so. And completely free of charge! Hell, most of the music released these days is recorded on home-owned equipment, so that’s cheap, too. Putting together a promotional package takes about 3 minutes and sending it to selected e-mail addresses takes even less. All in all, you can do the complete promotional work within a single day! Then it’s all about “spamming” the crap out of your friends and those who liked your page on social media.

Let me elaborate on that. First of all, an e-mail must contain more than two sentences. “Dear media, we are THEBADDESTASSBAND, hailing from FUCKVILLE, YOURANUS, formed back in the LASTYEARWASSOLONGAGO. We are a QUARTETOFSHITHEADS, playing THETRUESTOFTHENEKROKVLTMETALS. We have a new demo out now on MYMOMPAIDFORTHIS Records and we would like to hear you opinion on it. There are six songs on it, recorded in MYPIECEOFSHITCOMPUTER studios. The songs were made by YNGWIEWANNABE, produced by BIRCHWANNABE, cover was created by PHOTOSHOPEXPERTIAMNOT…”

You get the point, right? Your band’s short biography and that’s it. Then you attach a couple of band photos, high resolution cover artwork, lyrics, biography (yes, add it again, it cannot hurt) and a link to where we can download the music. Or better yet, pack all these files together with music, so as not to fill our e-mail capacity.

I know, it sounds easy. BECAUSE IT FUCKING IS!! There are people who get it. Many bands send out the full stuff. And not because we are lazy fucks who couldn’t be bothered to type your name in Google search engine. They do so because they CARE ABOUT THEIR BAND!!

UNLIKE YOU LAZY ASSHOLES!!!

So, no, I will not check your music! No need to. It sucks big time! I know it!

Delete message. Are you sure? FUCK YEAH!!!